HOT.!

http://www.imeem.com/babygangster/playlist/c8GVVD2S/big_bang_vol2_remember_full_music_playlist/
Seriously, this album is sooo gooooood! LISTEN.

It's break! And who hasn't started her comman app supplements? Ohyeathatsme. kreppers. But I'm not worried!

Anyways, this weekend was retreat, and I got to see snow! (pics coming (: ) Winter Retreat was a surprise, a blessing, a different kind of experience. (: I think the most important thing God reminded me of was how much he loves me and wants me to succeed, that with God there are no expectations. I always tried to justify my desires to go to a prestigious university with the idea that I was given so much and opportunity was given to me by God. And this is all true, but I think I was making up excuses, compromising with God's commands. The world is full of so much darkness, and it's easy to say, oh this is okay, it's not a big deal. I need to decide, to take action, becuase otherwise, Satan messes with my mind and makes me compromise with logic and wordly definitions of success and happiness. College decisions seem so close, and I was so worried about doing what God wanted, thinking about it too much, that Satan took my worries and made it into stress and dryness. I was so tired. Tired of my family, tired of always fighting, tired of watching things fall apart, tired of having to make decisions, tired of arguing about my future with my parents God myself, tired of caring so much about God's will in my life. But this weekend, God was like, Stacy--stop. He reminded me that he wants me to succeed, that he wants me to enjoy the good things He's made in this world. He wants me to be happy. He wants to break me and make me stronger. No matter what I choose, God will bless me. I was so caught up in trying to do what I thought would please God best that it became burdensome and stressful. I was so angry about my family, so angry about the timing of it all. But God is the center, and God is compassionate and faithful and loving. I was too concentrated on the law, and forgot the love.

That's why I'm not worried about my procrastination. I am going to work hard and finish my apps, but I think God wants me to go to Biola. (summers in maneadero hahahahaha). I am not going to make a grand plan to read the Bible and pray, I'm going to take it day by day. Today I will read and pray, and tomorrow will be tomorrow. I'm so thankful for being saved, for being able to experience Goodness in a dark world. I don't need the emotional experience to feel God's presence. He is my refuge and my portion and my joy. And I think Biola's focus on the bible is something God really really wants for me. I've learned that whatever God wants will happen, no matter what. If he wants me to be a doctor like my appa does, then it will happen. If he wants me to go to Harvard, it will happen. If he wants me to serve in Mexico, it will happen. He'll give me what I need. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I'm open to what God wants. If he calls, I'll follow. It's so hard to mean that, isn't it? Like when you say, "I will follow you!" do you mean it? What if God tells you to not go to college, not to become a brain surgeon, but to go in his name becuase, as mistamejico put it, "he doesn't want a dentist, he want's a servant." I would always say, I'm so confused, I don't know what God wants. I don't think thats true. From now on, it's gonna be JUST DO IT. Just do it, and trust that He'll take care of me, becuase I know He wants me to enjoy and be blessed.

It's really difficult for me to say what I mean. And it's more difficult for me to find somebody who knows what I mean when I don't say it. But I think everybody is like that, and that's why we all congregate with the ones who seem to understand us most.

I hate explaining myself; I love when you get me.

But if you understand me too much, I feel exposed. As if you know all my secrets, and there's nothing new anymore. Thats how I feel with you sometimes. I feel boring becuase you think you know what I mean when I don't say it (and mostly it's true, even though I won't admit).

Someday, somebody will be the right balance.
Will hear the unspoken, but will always be surprised by me.

I think that's a good reason to love somebody:
you know, yet you realize that there's always more.

You probably don't realize how much I appreciate you.

And you probably will never know that I secretly wish you would move far far away.

And that you make me cry.

But this is blogspot! So, I must end on a happier, lighter note, si? Let me tell you a funny story.






































NO, I changed my mind. I'm tired.








heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehee. that's right, I'm eeveel. (pinkies up)

QUEST, like spongebob.

Oh, how I've fallen!

I'm much too addicted to xanga, so I'm not too sure how long this will last. But let's give it a good try yes? Maybe this will change the way I blog, since my primary usage of xanga has been for emptying out my brain and making sense of the clutter. But poetry and weird experimentations don't seem to belong here, since everyone basically writes in strait prose. And now, I am doing the same?

No, my voice shall not be suppressed!

I do not wish to be crisp and juicy, like fuji!
Let's make me rotten and moldy,
or just a tomato! They don't have trees.

a tingling, but maybe more.

And, for the sake of continuity and satisfying an OCD-esque tendency, I must paste my latest xanga entry into this new realm of internet journalism.

the sandbox, two in one.

The coldness dries my face the best.

dreamt of :

the pinky

Bent in wrinkled agony it clings to

such it cannot see another

minute, to be a part of Desperation. But when the needle breaks: to cold

disgrace there is no end, nor sweet emancipation.

Don't try to hear the drop, the break

just let the music fill your brains and eat your

frosted cupcakes too.



sunk in:

Mad Girl's Love Song

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;

I lift my lids and all is born again.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,

And arbitrary blackness gallops in:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed

And sung me moonstruck, kissed me quite insane.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires face:

Exit seraphim and Satan's men:

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,

But I grow old and I forget your name.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;

At least when spring comes they roar back again.

I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

(I think I made you up inside my head.)

Sylvia Plath

Maybe I'll be back.

-Stace.