Why hello again (:

It's good to be back, thanks for asking! HEH. Just kidding.

It is 8:45 p.m. on a monday off, and I should be spending this time wisely by catching up on some organic chemistry notes, but you know me! heh. crap.

Anyways, thought I would start blogging here again. Life is getting busier and busier but I feel like I'm doing less and less, if you can catch my drift. I miss home, I miss being able to sit on the swings at night and driving around to clear my mind. I need to find some kind of release here!

I used to make lists. I haven't done that in a while, but let's see if lists still work as I try to organize the wandering thoughts in my head.

At this moment I wish

chem would go kill itself!

I could take it back

I didn't want to take it back

I could go home in a flying motorcycle with you

for big fat juicy strawberries to appear before my eyes!

itunes knew exactly what I want to hear

that you were here.

I want to run outside in the rain and feel the drops on my skin and tell the world that I don't belong in it.

in the way i

can, there lies, and eyes will

try to see, but nothing happens in the dark--

or so they say?

or so they say.

I miss you. I want it all, right now.

good bye

xanga beats this.
i don't know why.


too bad.

I missed you, blogspot.

Hello blogspot, how are you?

Occasionally, I discover something in my brain while I lay in bed trying to fall asleep. I wish I wrote it all down, becuase I can't remember anything.

Facebook is the devil, and so I will do my own 25 (though the phase has passed) right here on blogspot. I don't care so shut up.

1. If you talk to me, I've probably lied to you numerous times.
2. Sometimes I feel like a puzzle piece of parts from all different people, and I wonder what part is really me. I bet there's a peice of you in me.
3. I wonder if that's good or bad..
4. Sometimes, if i just keep nodding or saying "mhm," I'm spacing out or judging you in my head.
5. By judging, I just mean I'm catagorizing you and what you're saying and thinking that I'm better (I'm not).
6. I can't help it.
7. I've always wanted to paint the pictures in my brain, but I don't have the patience or the training.
8. When I wake up, I see yellow under my eyelids.
9. I like to press my hands really hard on my eyelids while my eyes are closed, because I can see patterns and colors.
10. I'm just afraid, usually.
11. Sometimes, I just wanna be like everybody else.
12. Usually, I like being me and doing things my own way.
13. These cracker-peanut things are really good.
14. I really really hate that I can't find my finkl and djdoc cd's right now.
15. I think life would have been easier if I was a boy.
16. A lot of times, I pretend to agree with you, even if I don't.
17. And then I blog about it and think about you.
18. I think I'm specialer (i know its not a word) than I am.
19. I just erased the real number 19.
20. my nail color right now is cha cha cherry 8053.
21. I know it would be easier if I give in and did what people usually do.
22. I'm afraid people think I'm stuck up or naive, or that I think they're bad becuase they do things different, or that I'm just a prude and wouldn't understand.
23. Sometimes, I really hate it.
24. I really think I should be a kpopstar. HAHA.
25. If I could paint my walls, I would paint them black.

i should go.

Time for some, what's the color.

WHITE NAILS WHITE NAILS hahahah just for you (; lol don't hate me.
someday, maybe you'll get it. heeeeheeeheee.


HAPPY 18th BIRTHDAY MATTHEW (:
I didn't forget, honest.



I watched a great movie, just now, when I should have been studying. Which is pretty much the story of life, but anyways... It made me laugh, and it made me cry, and now I feel happy (:

DOWNERS
Begopah.
I messed up the pinky.
Having to watch this secretly haha.
My latest addiction!
Lame kidbrother wants me to play chess and I'm behind.
Confusion about this new way of living together..


BUTT: I LOVE THIS MOMENT BECOZZ
I can eat real food tomorrow haha.
I like staring at my fingernails in the mirror.
These amazing headphones!
This wonderful world of Kpop, i don't care so shut up.
Derek pushing notes through the crack in my door.
Being able to laugh with them again.

All in all, I'd say the pros outweigh the cons.
SO, why can't I get my butt to work!? HMM?



SPECIAL: Maybe you just have to earn it back, being afraid won't do anything, yea? you tard.

I keep moving you to the top of my buddy list, haha.









she dances.

It's kind of late (?)

Nobody could know,
I hate that you recognized even just a little.












Currently listening to: Only You / 김종욱
don't care so shut up.





It's so strange that I keep thinking in korean first. What's wrong with me? It makes me feel lonelier. Heh.

Why is it so hard to just say it, and just let it all loose, good bye forever.
It's as if I'm back at square 1,
or it's the time and I'm just yeminhae. again, don't care so shut up.



This entry has emo undertones, whatevs.
1:09 am.
this is me.

__


she jumps from floe to floe, flying
over broken glass; slow then fast then slow,
like puzzle pieces
drifting.

__


When the lights are dimmed
and smoke fills the room,
When the droning gets louder and louder until
you dissappear,
how long?

__


when hope lies hidden, nobody cares.





goodbye.

HOT.!

http://www.imeem.com/babygangster/playlist/c8GVVD2S/big_bang_vol2_remember_full_music_playlist/
Seriously, this album is sooo gooooood! LISTEN.

It's break! And who hasn't started her comman app supplements? Ohyeathatsme. kreppers. But I'm not worried!

Anyways, this weekend was retreat, and I got to see snow! (pics coming (: ) Winter Retreat was a surprise, a blessing, a different kind of experience. (: I think the most important thing God reminded me of was how much he loves me and wants me to succeed, that with God there are no expectations. I always tried to justify my desires to go to a prestigious university with the idea that I was given so much and opportunity was given to me by God. And this is all true, but I think I was making up excuses, compromising with God's commands. The world is full of so much darkness, and it's easy to say, oh this is okay, it's not a big deal. I need to decide, to take action, becuase otherwise, Satan messes with my mind and makes me compromise with logic and wordly definitions of success and happiness. College decisions seem so close, and I was so worried about doing what God wanted, thinking about it too much, that Satan took my worries and made it into stress and dryness. I was so tired. Tired of my family, tired of always fighting, tired of watching things fall apart, tired of having to make decisions, tired of arguing about my future with my parents God myself, tired of caring so much about God's will in my life. But this weekend, God was like, Stacy--stop. He reminded me that he wants me to succeed, that he wants me to enjoy the good things He's made in this world. He wants me to be happy. He wants to break me and make me stronger. No matter what I choose, God will bless me. I was so caught up in trying to do what I thought would please God best that it became burdensome and stressful. I was so angry about my family, so angry about the timing of it all. But God is the center, and God is compassionate and faithful and loving. I was too concentrated on the law, and forgot the love.

That's why I'm not worried about my procrastination. I am going to work hard and finish my apps, but I think God wants me to go to Biola. (summers in maneadero hahahahaha). I am not going to make a grand plan to read the Bible and pray, I'm going to take it day by day. Today I will read and pray, and tomorrow will be tomorrow. I'm so thankful for being saved, for being able to experience Goodness in a dark world. I don't need the emotional experience to feel God's presence. He is my refuge and my portion and my joy. And I think Biola's focus on the bible is something God really really wants for me. I've learned that whatever God wants will happen, no matter what. If he wants me to be a doctor like my appa does, then it will happen. If he wants me to go to Harvard, it will happen. If he wants me to serve in Mexico, it will happen. He'll give me what I need. It doesn't matter what I do, as long as I'm open to what God wants. If he calls, I'll follow. It's so hard to mean that, isn't it? Like when you say, "I will follow you!" do you mean it? What if God tells you to not go to college, not to become a brain surgeon, but to go in his name becuase, as mistamejico put it, "he doesn't want a dentist, he want's a servant." I would always say, I'm so confused, I don't know what God wants. I don't think thats true. From now on, it's gonna be JUST DO IT. Just do it, and trust that He'll take care of me, becuase I know He wants me to enjoy and be blessed.

It's really difficult for me to say what I mean. And it's more difficult for me to find somebody who knows what I mean when I don't say it. But I think everybody is like that, and that's why we all congregate with the ones who seem to understand us most.

I hate explaining myself; I love when you get me.

But if you understand me too much, I feel exposed. As if you know all my secrets, and there's nothing new anymore. Thats how I feel with you sometimes. I feel boring becuase you think you know what I mean when I don't say it (and mostly it's true, even though I won't admit).

Someday, somebody will be the right balance.
Will hear the unspoken, but will always be surprised by me.

I think that's a good reason to love somebody:
you know, yet you realize that there's always more.

You probably don't realize how much I appreciate you.

And you probably will never know that I secretly wish you would move far far away.

And that you make me cry.

But this is blogspot! So, I must end on a happier, lighter note, si? Let me tell you a funny story.






































NO, I changed my mind. I'm tired.








heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehee. that's right, I'm eeveel. (pinkies up)